Holy Cow!

The College of Veterinary and Animal Sciences, Pookot in Wayanad district of Kerala, has recently launched two products in the market – ‘Cow Urine’ and ‘Panchagavya’ – targeted at the organic farming sector.

The neatly packed ‘Cow Urine’ is, well, just that – cow’s urine. Panchagavya, though, is a cocktail of milk, ghee, curd, cow urine and, hold your breath (literally)…………….cow dung.

One can safely say the veterinary college now has two strong brands in its arsenal - no pun intended!

“Cow’s urine is meant to improve the plant resistance while Panchagavya will help the growth of favourable soil bacteria and thereby improve soil fertility,” said a college official. Apparently, the two products can help reduce the use of pesticides and chemical fertilizers to a great extent.

The product quality is ensured by collecting the first urine of the cow every day. It’s not clear how one would figure out which is the cow’s first urine of the day. What if the cow gets up in the middle of the night to pee? Would someone be sitting backstage and monitoring the cows? The official promised to loo…….k into the matter.

The veterinary college seems to have worked out a marketing strategy for its flagshit brands; well…..I mean flagship brands. Starting with the 4 Pees!

The first pee - the product - is clear though. The colour might not be, but the product is. We are told it is to look like water. Looks like a clear attempt to segment without pigment.

The second pee – price – aims at the m’ass market. The maximum retail pee is pegged at Rs.5 per litre. Panchagavya, the milky shit, is to be sold for Rs.50 per litre.

Not much info has been provided about the third pee – place – how the urinal and shit are to be distributed. Dispensed directly from the source, probably.

The fourth pee – Promotion – is being worked out. The college doesn’t have sufficient money to advertise in the mass media and hence may resort to below the line promotion – in line with the product’s origin! Would the two products generate any word of mouth publicity? Doubtful with the all the stink.

As of now the college doesn’t have plans to export the two products. The urine isn’t going foreign; at least not yet.

If you peep (damn my pun again) further, you hear the college claiming that cow pee can be an important ingredient in many ayurvedic medicines. Apparently, it can be used in the treatment of major ailments like peptic ulcer, certain type of cancer, live ailments, asthma etc. It’s not clear whether those suffering from the diseases might prefer the pee over peaceful death!

But one thing is certain. Morarji Desai would have turned in his grave……and smiled!

However, the official warned that their brand - Cow Urine - cannot be used for pharmaceutical applications. Why? For pharmaceutical use, it has to be produced under the strict supervision of an ayurvedic doctor, the official added.

Supervised? I wonder how one could supervise cow peeing. Sit in a chair 24x7 and watch the waterfall?

We could keep talking about these two products till the cows come home but let me sign off.

You probably are pissed. I have to, too!